Loving the Bride

I get married in 11 days. And as the time gets closer and closer I find myself thinking more and more about marriage and the church. My bride-to-be and I are keenly aware that our wedding is just foretaste of the beautiful wedding between Christ and the church. As I think about my own wedding and how I can best love my bride-to-be, I find myself wondering the same of the church.

When Cold Winds Blow

Over a month ago I talked about Scars. I said that we all carry the wounds of past hurts with us. I mentioned that we have a choice. We can let these scars continue to hurt us. We can focus on the bad that happened and in turn become bitter evil people. Or we can choose to see them as something that God has used to make us better. 

I ended with an analogy of cold winds and talked about how there are times in our life when things happen that inflame these old wounds. Last weekend was one of these for me. I learned that God is with us even through these. I learned that God gives us people to help us through these times.

Ignoring Singles is Killing Your Church

I'll admit it. Yes, I gave this a title that would make you click on it. But I did that because I think that this is something that every church must take seriously. For years I have felt that churches were not ministering to singles well. After watching a talk at the NINES conference this year, (Check it out here) I got some validation. In a nutshell there are twice as many single adults today as there were 30 years ago.

So about a month ago I posted about marriage. It has continued to be my most viewed post. If you haven't check it out here. One of things I mentioned in that post was that churches are poor at acknowledging singles. If you are in your twenties you know exactly what I am talking about. You are ignored. Worse, you are told subtly (or sometimes outright) that you need to get married. You are told that marriage is the best relationship. Perhaps you get the impression that marriage is the only relationship you will need.

Let me tell you. Marriage should not fulfill you. Marriage cannot fulfill you. If you are a twenty-something take this to heart. There is nothing wrong with you. Marriage will not solve all of your problems. If you are not a single twenty-something stop being marriage pushers. It hurts the singles in your church and consequently it hurts your church.

Let's get back this statistic. 

The NINES conference this year focuses on millennials. That’s a label that gets thrown around a lot. Honestly, half the time I have no idea what that means. Apparently it is anyone born between 1980 and 2000. So basically it means me and all my friends. Hmm, no wonder they always seem to be talking about me. 

Anyway, one of the speakers at the conference mentioned a very interesting statistic. He said that in the boomer generation only 9% of 25 year olds were single. That number has doubled to 20% of 25 year old millennials who are single. This is HUGE. You can talk all you want about why that is, but the fact of the matter is that churches MUST find ways to engage singles.

This same speaker mentioned that the percentage of boomers and millennials who were married at 25 and in the church was almost identical. Yet there are almost no single millennials in the church. Did you catch that? Singles are NOT in the church. Why? Frankly I think it is because churches are not acknowledging them. 

So what do we do?

Well first, stop trying to make them get married. I said this already, but I must say it again. Growing up in the church I felt like the only way to fulfill my life was to get married. Yet when I got married I realized that being married was not what I needed. 

Brothers-and-sisters I love you. I know you want what is best for those in your church. I know you want them to understand the miracle that marriage. I know you want them to experience what it means to commit to someone for the rest of their life. But you need to be honest with them. Quick fact.

Millennials can smell fake. 

They can tell when you are playing up the blessing of marriage. Look I have done it. Marriage is an exercise in humility. It is not, and was never meant to be, easy. Marriage is hard. Tell them this. Let them know that your marriage is not perfect. Share your struggles with them. 

You know what? That is EXACTLY what they want. They want you to be honest with them. They want you to share your struggles with them. They want you to share your life with them. Yes. I know this is scary, but you know what? It is Biblical. Churches are meant to be places where people come and learn from their elders. Oh and one more thing.

Let them be single.

Look, the fastest way to make a millennial leave your church is to make them feel like they are second class citizens. They have different lives then you do. They have different goals then you did. They have different backgrounds then you. But they have the same savior as you. They need the same gospel as you. Preach them the gospel. But not just from the Bible. Preach it from your life. Share with them. Give them a community that they can't find anywhere else.

Here is the bottom line.

People want respect. People want to feel needed, useful, and loved. Look, we have done a horrible disservice to our young people. Whether or not it is intentional there is a message being preached to our churches that singles are not worth anything. We need to include them in the things we do. We need to give them opportunities to serve and lead. 

Singles (yeah you're not getting out of this), seek out older married couples. They have so much to offer you. They want to pour into you, but they don't know how. Look to them. Ask questions. Push to be utilized by your church. Show them that singles are just as effective as anyone else.

May you seek to build community between singles and couples. May your church grow in faith and community. May you find those who will speak truth into your life. And many your church family be a diverse, vibrant, and fruitful family.

Amen!

Why We Need Community

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It occurs to me that today is September 11. Though not directly related I realize that when I talk about the need for community one of the best examples was the numerous men and women who devoted time, energy and their lives in the wake of this horrific tragedy.

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Lately God has been talking to me about community. Why he designed us to live in community. What it means to live that out. Why we think we can be Christian by ourselves. How the community of God has blessed me.

I was pondering these things this morning as I sat down and watched a sermon by Alistair Begg. I noticed that the title was Membership Matters. Funny how God often orchestrates things just when we need them. If you want to have a look at the sermon you can view it here. One of his main points was that we often think we don't need the community. This started me to thinking about reasons why that might be.

Before I go any further a little sociology lesson.

When I was in undergrad I took a sociology class. One of the things we talked about in that class was the difference between the individual in Eastern and Western culture. Essentially in Western culture we talk about how everyone is unique and you are your own person. We have individual liberties, individual opinions, and individual beliefs. Eastern culture is much different. For many of those cultures the group is the most important unit. Your beliefs and opinions are not just yours.

My professor gave us this example from sociological studies. She mentioned that a class of kindergartners was used. This was a class with many first generation Americans whose parents came from Asian countries. It was the ideal class for such an experiment. Students were given a coloring page and told to choose whatever color they wanted to color with. Those students whose parents had grown up in the United States quickly took their favorite color and started. The students who parents were from Asia were unsure what to do. They could not decide what color to use.

Next the researchers told the students that their parents wanted them to color with a red crayon. At this the students who parents were from Asia perked up and began to gladly color with red. Some of the other students who had gladly colored with the color of their choice before got upset. Why should they have to color the way their parents wanted? It was their coloring page. They should be able to do what they wanted.

This is the difference between Eastern and Western culture. Here we are told to be your own person that what you do is important and no one can tell you what to believe. We live in a culture that tells us that we don't need anyone else. That we can do anything we put our minds to. This may be true of many things. 

But this is not God's design for the church.

In scripture we find the church described as a flock, a house, a body, and even a family. None of these things can operate on their own. They are all made up of various parts. As Begg puts it:

"One Sheep doesn't make a flock. One brick doesn't make a house. One limb doesn't make a body. One individual doesn't make a family."

The point is that God never designed us to be alone we were always meant to live in a community. But the question becomes why? What is it about humanity that makes us need and desire community?

The fact of the matter is that people cannot live the life God has called us to alone. We are broken people. We stumble we fall. In seclusion we can never become what we are called to be. We need other people to encourage us, to walk with us, to grieve with us, and yes even to rebuke us when we are wrong. This is the point of community. This is what the church is supposed to be to itself. A place for people to be people and place for people to grow, to rejoice, and to grieve. (If you don't believe me check out what Paul says in 1 Corinthians 12)

So why is this important to me?

As I said in this post. I am divorced. That process was not an easy or clean one for me. It was painful and it was messy. Yet I was fortunate enough to be a member at a church that came along side me and grieved with me. They sat in ashes and wept with me. They prayed for and with me. The community of God was my faith when I had none. This community enabled me to grieve, to heal, to lean into God and to learn. 

That is what the church is for. But more than that the church is a place for us to be held accountable. Take a look at the things Paul says in his letters. They are not always encouragement. Paul understands that sometimes we need someone to come alongside us and rebuke us. We are not perfect. We need people to call us on what we do.

But the best part about the church is its diversity.

Take a look at Revelation. We see that all nations will come before God and proclaim His goodness and glory. Even Solomon understood that the temple was not just for Israel but for all nations. The blessing given to Abraham was so that he could be a blessing to the whole world. 

Now I'm getting a little ahead of myself. That really should be saved for tomorrow. But the point is that the church is to be a place where people come and learn from each other. Where we see the wonders of God's creation in all its diversity. The church is diverse because God's creation is diverse. 

This is my hope for us.

I hope that we can realize the need for the local church. That it can be a place where we come and are renewed. Where we are encouraged. Where we are blessed. Where we help each other. A place where we are rebuked in love. A place where we learn from each other. The church needs to be a community of God. It is not just a social club. It is a new way of life. It is something so different from the rest of the world that people look and wonder what it is all about. The church needs to be the community of God. In the words of Paul:

"May the God who gives endurance and encouragement give you the same attitude of mind toward each other that Christ Jesus had, so that with one mind and one voice you may glorify the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ."

Amen! 

Do We Actually Affirm the Sanctity of Marriage?

So I can’t keep silent anymore. 

I have tried for the last couple of weeks to not mention anything about this issue. I know it is a hot topic issue and regardless of what side I am on people are going to sling vitriol. But the other day I saw this:

Now I don’t know if all of that is true, but it doesn’t matter. The person making it has a point and I will get to that in a little bit.

There are those who say that what happened to Kim Davis was religious persecution. There are those who say that Kim Davis broke the law. Today she was let out of prison. For the former this is a victory; for the latter a defeat. To me the whole ordeal just signals a disconnect in our society.

Let’s start with some information.

First Davis’ signature was on all licensees issued. Weather she did it or not, her signature was to be affixed to the license. (Yes I know the statute says that deputies can perform the duties, but that doesn’t mean that her signature wouldn’t be stamped on the license.)  This is perhaps the reason that Davis was not allowing her deputies to issue them instead of her. Under normal circumstances one might just suggest that if she has a problem that she just abstain from those and let someone else do it. In this case however it would seem that any license that went out would be done with her signature. In her mind she would be giving the stamp of approval to whatever license went out from her office.

One might make the argument that since this is the case Davis’ should just quit her job. A valid argument if it weren’t for two things. First, there are numerous other cases where companies have had to make accommodations because of religious beliefs. For instancethe Muslim flight attendant who refused to serve alcohol and is now suing. Second, and perhaps more importantly, the laws (or the enforcement thereof) have changed since Davis’ took her position. When Davis was elected it was still illegal for same-sex couples to be married. However deplorable (or not) you may think that, it was the case. There was nothing about her job when she took office that she had a problem with. It is only in the last 6 months that things have changed. Sothis would not be the same as a Hindu refusing to serve burgers as some havesuggested. Such a person would have known about the limits of the job before applying.

Davis’ is for all intents and purposes disobeying the law. Yes I know that the Supreme Court does not make laws. However, they are charged with interpreting them. I will steel an analogy from local talk radio host Michael Brown. Let’s say there is a law stating that all telephone poles have to be purple. Someone wants theirs to be red. They get all the way to the Supreme Court and the Court rules that the poles now must be red and purple. Until congress passes a new law that says telephone poles can be whatever color a city wants, the law of the land is red and purple. That is how the Supreme Court works. For better or worse this is the law of the land.

But all of this has not been my true point. 

Let’s get back to that meme. You know the one about the sanctity of marriage. Every time the gay marriage debate has come up I always find myself asking the same question. How can we as Christians expect others, who do not hold our beliefs, to affirm the sanctity of marriage when we do not?

Let’s look at Davis for a second. She has been married three times before. Now I am told that those were before she was a Christian. This might have more meaning if it weren’t for the sad fact that it would not be surprising that a Christian had been married four times. See if we as Christians want to claim to have the moral high ground then we should actually have it. The reason a meme like this exists is because of the hypocrisy of Christians played out time and time again. We only seem to look at the things we want to and ignore our own sins. Weare the Pharisee of Luke 18. When will we realize to truly witness we need to have compassion and empathy?

"I tell you, this man went to his house justified rather than the other; for everyone who exalts himself will be humbled, but he who humbles himself will be exalted.”

Don’t misunderstand me. I am not saying that we don’t need to be more vigilant about divorce. We live in a society where divorce is rampant and seemingly devoted Christians remarry at the drop of a hat because they don’t feel that they love someone anymore. This should never be the case. Marriage is something sacred and something to be treasured. It is a sacred covenant before God.

Why do I feel this way about marriage and divorce? Because I have experienced it. Both marriage and divorce. I was legally married for 4 years. In actuality it was about two and a half. Without getting into much detail it ended because she decided that she wanted out. I learned a great many things from that, but what is important today is that divorce destroys relationships. I was fortunate to be in a church that understood my struggle and came along side me in my time of need. 

My ex-wife had friends who told her to be happy. I had a church that grieved with me.

Yet if we truly want to hold up the sanctity of marriage we cannot stop at simply encouraging people to stay married. We must seek to uphold marriage by not turning a blind eye to those that have extra-marital sex. How many of you have been in churches where you knew someone was living with their significant other and you said nothing? How can we expect society to not look at that and see us as hypocrites? We allow this to happen and we wonder why so many Pastors were found on Ashley Madison.

If I am honest I will say that I think this particular issue stems from another problem. The churches complete lack of a stomach to talk about sex. 

We harm our young men and young women by keeping silent. 

Our young men struggle in silence every day because they feel they have no one to talk to. I am reminded of this blog begging for men to stop. Yet I wonder how many of them would if they only felt like they could get support and not judgement from their church.

Our young women are no better off. I have known to many women who have a skewed view of sex because of the purity movement. We tell them for 18+ years to say no and then expect them to change on a dime on their wedding night. That type of understanding is untenable. I thank this woman for coming out and speaking up about the problems.

These may seem like divergent issues, but they are not. These are all symptoms of a larger problem in the church. We choose to talk about problems outside ourselves rather than turn inward and see the sickness there. We are so focused on what is going on outside of our churches that we neglect to look at the rot that is killing us from inside. We have believed the lie that to witness to the world we must be perfect. The truth is the world is not looking for perfect people. They are looking for real people. We think that we must not be blemished by the messiness of the world. That could not be further from the truth. We do not serve a God who stood outside and judged. We serve a God who became like us. A God who stepped into the messiness of the world to save it. We serve a God that loved us so much that he died the humiliating death on a tree. And we serve a God that rose from the dead so that we would never have to die. (See this passage in Philippians if you doubt me.) That is the God that we serve. That is how we are to live.

"Being found in appearance as a man, He humbled Himself by becoming obedient to the point of death, even death on a cross."

See the whole point of Jesus coming was not so that we could make decrees on high and not look at ourselves. Jesus came because we can’t do it on our own. When we as a church start actually living the kingdom of God. When we start loving others. When we start acknowledging our own sin and confessing to others. When we start showing compassion instead of condemning others. When we realize that as Christians we WILLbe persecuted. When we stop thinking that we are somehow better than others around us. Then we will start to see people come to us.