Scars

So there is this passage in Genesis that struck me the other day. It is after Jacob wrestles with God. Jacob names the place Peniel. This is Hebrew and it means face of God. But what struck me was what Jacob said. He said that he had seen God face to face and had been preserved.

Preserved? Really?

In case you didn't know, God gave Jacob a limp. Seems interesting to think that preservation meant a limp. Some might say God cheated since he couldn't beat Jacob. But frankly I think that is a bad interpretation. I think this was God's way of reminding Jacob that God was always with him. Jacob's scar became something to treasure and not to disdain.

What's interesting is this isn't the only place where someone looks at the suffering that they went through and calls it good. Joseph flat out says that the evil of men is the good of God. Job goes through some pretty rough things, but at the end is able to praise God. This got me thinking that maybe we look at our suffering wrong.

The Joker's Smile

In Christopher Nolan's The Dark Knight the Joker goes around saying "You want to know how I got these scars?" He is referring to the "smile" that goes from ear to ear. Now the Joker gives various contradictory reasons for his scars, so we can't really take any of the reasons he gives as truth. But that is not the point. The point is that it seems that these scars have come to define the Joker.

See the Joker has allowed the scars of his past to transform his future. The Joker looks at the things that were done to him and he is bitter. He creates an entire persona around them. He brandishes a knife just about everywhere he goes. He paints his face to make the scars look like a smile. He has so let his past suffering twist him that all he wants to do is watch the world burn.

We do this. We focus on the things that were done to us. We allow the slights and the down right evil things define our personality and our relationships. When I went through my divorce I had days, weeks even, where I let the hurt and the pain caused by my ex-wife define me. I was angry. I may have had a "smile" on the outside, but on the inside I was tormented and bitter.

But these aren't the only kinds of scars we carry.

Self Inflicted Wounds

Now some think that the Joker gave himself the smile. This may have been the case. The one thing that has been constant about the Joker in the history of all Batman comics is that he is insane. The latest installment has seen him cut off his own face.

Before I go further I want to thank those of you that have continued to read. I know that last part was gruesome, but I want to make a point. We do the same things. We not only allow the scars of our past to define us, but we allow them to cause us self harm. When we begin to believe this new scared identity we add to it. 

Currently be biggest struggle is not believing I deserved to be cheated on. Messed up huh? Yup this is my own personal facial mutilation. I have come to terms with forgiveness of my ex-wife. I am no longer constantly bitter and angry towards her. But the thing that comes up most often now is that I should have known. I should have done things different. Or that I am just doomed.

These thoughts are not constant. But they do occur. What makes them so prevalent is that they are really not the result of the divorce. I felt this way long before I ever got married. But the events of the divorce brought them to a new level. Nothing cuts quite as deep as the lies we tell ourselves. 

So how should we look at these scars?

The Girl Shot in the Head

Malala Yousafzai. Do you recognize the name? If not perhaps you remember the news story about a girl shot by the Taliban for daring to go to school. The world was shocked by the brutality of it. Malala has become an inspiration. Why? Because she has not allowed this horror to twist her identity.

Malala could have looked at her situation and been filled with bitterness and anger. She could have called for retaliation against the Taliban. She could have seen it as her fault. How dare she confront such powerful people? But she didn't. She has used her situation to promote rights for women around the world. Malala has taken a horrible scar and turned it into a beautiful mission.

When I find myself stuck in a cycle of self loathing I remember the goodness of God. I remember the church family that not only accepted me, but understood exactly what I was going through. I remember that this has given me a new understanding of those I seek to minister. I remember that it has allowed me sympathy for friends in the same situations.

During the divorce I was forced to move out of the apartment that my ex-wife and I were renting. I moved in with my sister and her family. Now, I have always loved my sister, but we have not always gotten along. What happened those six months was a blessing from God. I was able to rebuild that relationship. 

God intended it for good.

As I said at the beginning, the Bible is full of places where people look at their suffering as blessing. James tells us that suffering should be nothing but joy. Jesus tells us that we are blessed when we are persecuted in His name. But the one that gets me every time is Joseph.

Joseph had a rough life. God gives him a vision of the his future.  As a result of that dream he is thrown into a well and sold as a slave. The wife of his master tries to seduce him and he is thrown in to prison. While there he interprets dreams for a cup bearer and baker.  The cup bearer remembers Joseph when the Pharaoh has a dream. This results in Joseph being put in charge of all the food and allows him to take care of his family.

This is where things get crazy. When Joseph confronts his brothers he tells them that what they intended for evil, God intended for good. I will say that again. God intended it for good. This is crazy! Why? Because the incident that caused all this hardship for Joseph was a dream FROM GOD! It was God who caused all these bad things to happen to Joseph.

Rather than see God as causing all kinds of evil, Joseph is able to see the good that God had done. I am certain that he did not always have this interpretation of events. He must have questioned weather or not God left him. But at the end of it all he was able to look back on it and see the good. All the scars in Joseph's life were just memories of God's care and concern. These were reminders of the goodness of God not the evil of men. 

The Evil God

I need to stop here and say some things about anger, bitterness, and faith. I know that some of you reading this have gone through horrible things. People in your life who you have trusted have harmed you. Maybe they are still harming you. There are those of you that have been raped, molested, tortured, and beaten. 

You look at these stories of Joseph and you hear me saying that God intended it for good and you fill with anger. You can't believe in a God that would allow these horrible things to happen. If it was God then you want nothing to do with that god. I want to tell you that you that it is OK to be angry. Let me say that again.

God can handle your anger.

God knows. He knows you are hurt and angry. He knows you have lost faith. He knows that you have questions. I am here to encourage you to take those to Him. Yell at God. Swear at Him. Tell Him you wish He were in hell. God can take it. What I don't want you to do is turn your back on God. I don't want you to stop having that conversation.

In my own life I have spent many nights fighting with God. I still have trouble believing that God intended for me to have a divorce. My current fiancee thinks that is the case. I know that God has worked my situation out for good. I know that God was with me through it all. But I don't know if that was "the plan." What I do know is that I can take my questions to God. 

Cold Winds

I want to end with an analogy. A good friend of mine once talked of cold winds. He said that there were things that happened -- times of year, comments that people said, songs on the radio -- which caused his old scars to become inflamed. These cold winds reminded him of past wounds. He talked about them not as a possibility, but a reality of life.

What I have learned is that when these cold winds blow we have a choice. We can choose to focus on the pain. To remember the hurts. To be angry and bitter. We can choose to let our scars be memories of hurt and pain. Or we can choose to remember the good that God has done. When the cold winds blow, we can allow them to remind us that God has always been there. That God protects us, even in the worst times. We can remember the good that God has done.

The writer of Hebrews talks about the end of Jacob's life. He tells us that Jacob blessed Joseph's sons as leaned on his staff and worshiped God. This is such a beautiful picture. It shows us that the limp that Jacob carried his whole life was a reminder of the goodness of God. With his last days Jacob was able to show his grandchildren that his scars were beautiful.

May you come to see your scars as a blessing. May you never fear to share your anger with God. May you see the evil of men as the good of God. And may you lean on your staff as you worship your creator.

Amen!