Ignoring Singles is Killing Your Church

I'll admit it. Yes, I gave this a title that would make you click on it. But I did that because I think that this is something that every church must take seriously. For years I have felt that churches were not ministering to singles well. After watching a talk at the NINES conference this year, (Check it out here) I got some validation. In a nutshell there are twice as many single adults today as there were 30 years ago.

So about a month ago I posted about marriage. It has continued to be my most viewed post. If you haven't check it out here. One of things I mentioned in that post was that churches are poor at acknowledging singles. If you are in your twenties you know exactly what I am talking about. You are ignored. Worse, you are told subtly (or sometimes outright) that you need to get married. You are told that marriage is the best relationship. Perhaps you get the impression that marriage is the only relationship you will need.

Let me tell you. Marriage should not fulfill you. Marriage cannot fulfill you. If you are a twenty-something take this to heart. There is nothing wrong with you. Marriage will not solve all of your problems. If you are not a single twenty-something stop being marriage pushers. It hurts the singles in your church and consequently it hurts your church.

Let's get back this statistic. 

The NINES conference this year focuses on millennials. That’s a label that gets thrown around a lot. Honestly, half the time I have no idea what that means. Apparently it is anyone born between 1980 and 2000. So basically it means me and all my friends. Hmm, no wonder they always seem to be talking about me. 

Anyway, one of the speakers at the conference mentioned a very interesting statistic. He said that in the boomer generation only 9% of 25 year olds were single. That number has doubled to 20% of 25 year old millennials who are single. This is HUGE. You can talk all you want about why that is, but the fact of the matter is that churches MUST find ways to engage singles.

This same speaker mentioned that the percentage of boomers and millennials who were married at 25 and in the church was almost identical. Yet there are almost no single millennials in the church. Did you catch that? Singles are NOT in the church. Why? Frankly I think it is because churches are not acknowledging them. 

So what do we do?

Well first, stop trying to make them get married. I said this already, but I must say it again. Growing up in the church I felt like the only way to fulfill my life was to get married. Yet when I got married I realized that being married was not what I needed. 

Brothers-and-sisters I love you. I know you want what is best for those in your church. I know you want them to understand the miracle that marriage. I know you want them to experience what it means to commit to someone for the rest of their life. But you need to be honest with them. Quick fact.

Millennials can smell fake. 

They can tell when you are playing up the blessing of marriage. Look I have done it. Marriage is an exercise in humility. It is not, and was never meant to be, easy. Marriage is hard. Tell them this. Let them know that your marriage is not perfect. Share your struggles with them. 

You know what? That is EXACTLY what they want. They want you to be honest with them. They want you to share your struggles with them. They want you to share your life with them. Yes. I know this is scary, but you know what? It is Biblical. Churches are meant to be places where people come and learn from their elders. Oh and one more thing.

Let them be single.

Look, the fastest way to make a millennial leave your church is to make them feel like they are second class citizens. They have different lives then you do. They have different goals then you did. They have different backgrounds then you. But they have the same savior as you. They need the same gospel as you. Preach them the gospel. But not just from the Bible. Preach it from your life. Share with them. Give them a community that they can't find anywhere else.

Here is the bottom line.

People want respect. People want to feel needed, useful, and loved. Look, we have done a horrible disservice to our young people. Whether or not it is intentional there is a message being preached to our churches that singles are not worth anything. We need to include them in the things we do. We need to give them opportunities to serve and lead. 

Singles (yeah you're not getting out of this), seek out older married couples. They have so much to offer you. They want to pour into you, but they don't know how. Look to them. Ask questions. Push to be utilized by your church. Show them that singles are just as effective as anyone else.

May you seek to build community between singles and couples. May your church grow in faith and community. May you find those who will speak truth into your life. And many your church family be a diverse, vibrant, and fruitful family.

Amen!