When I first heard that my ex-wife cheated on me I was distraught. Though we went to counseling I soon realized that she didn't really want to make things work. I remember thinking at that time that I would never get married again. I remember thinking that I would run away and become a monk in a monastery somewhere. That never happened because God had a better plan in mind.
Fear of Failure
My whole life I have been afraid of failure. I'm not sure why that is. The arrogant part of me wants to say it is because I haven't failed at much. But I know that isn't really true. It probably has more to do with the slight perfectionist streak I have. In any case my biggest fear has always been failure in relationships.
Over and over and over God was telling me to trust Him. He was drawing me to have rest in Him. He was wrapping his arms around me and comforting me.
I haven't had the best luck in relationships. During counseling I discovered that I felt like everyone was going to leave me. Because of past romantic relationships and friendships I had come to think that people would just leave me. To combat this I decided that I would force people to like me. I would do anything and be anything. I would never complain about anything they did. If I did this then they would be happy and never leave. It seemed to work fine.
Until it didn't.
More Than You Know
I remember in the midst of all my confusion calling up a mentor. He had heard a little about my situation from my mother but listened to my telling of the story. He knew full well my fear of failure and my tendency to be harder on myself than anyone else. He talked me through what he saw happening and then he said something I will never forget. He said that I see myself different than everyone else sees me. He said that everyone else sees an amazing, talented man of God. He said "Phil, you are more than you know."
More than you know. That phrase stuck with me; has stuck with me. Over the next year God would tell me this over and over. I love you more than you know. I will take care of you more than you know. You are more than you know. My plan is more than you know. Over and over and over God was telling me to trust Him. He was drawing me to have rest in Him. He was wrapping his arms around me and comforting me.
The Deal
Now we take a trip in the way back machine. I am a 12 year old boy. It is the summer and I am on vacation. I am ridding on a bus back from the swimming pool. In the seat next to me is the daughter of the lady who organized the trip. She is not like other girls. She doesn't wear the same clothes as other girls. She likes to dress in black. She even has an affinity for safety pins. In short, she is the coolest girl on the bus. And I got to sit next to her.
We realized that we were almost the same age. So we talked and talked. We talked about all kinds of things. Somewhere in that conversation we hatched a plan. We decided that if we both got the age of 30 and were single that we would marry each other. I thought this was a great idea. After all who wouldn't want to marry someone so cool.
After that summer I didn't see much of her. We lived in different states. However, the next summer we both went to the same conference again. Her mother was in charge of youth events again. And she was there. So we spent 3 hours talking one afternoon. We caught up on what had happened to the other person in the last year. We shared stories and secrets. We were true friends.
This continued year after year. Each of us seeking out the other person to talk with. Well it should have continued year after year. Eventually I got a girlfriend and didn't hang out with her much. By the time that relationship was a bust she had a boyfriend. In our late teens and early twenties we didn't see each other really at all. Then I got married.
Love and Respect
There is a passage from Ephesians that gets used a lot when talking about the marriage relationship. Those of you without a Y chromosome will probably know this reference because it gets abused a lot. But I want to talk about the context of the whole passage. Namely Ephesians 5:21-33.
This is the kind of love that a husband should have for his wife. He should be willing to die for her. This is not an easy thing to do. I know.
Paul here is talking about how a church should function. He starts by saying that everyone should be subject to each other. Why? Because we want to show reverence to Christ. This is context of everything that comes after it. Yes, Paul says that wives need to submit to their husbands, but he also tells husbands that they need to love their wives as Christ loves the church. This is no easy task.
I have already talked about what loving the church looks like for us. But here Paul talks about what Jesus did for the church. Namely, that Jesus gave up his life for the church. This is the kind of love that a husband should have for his wife. He should be willing to die for her. This is not an easy thing to do. I know.
After I got married I sort of lost sight of what love actually looks like. I thought that love meant never saying anything negative. I thought it meant never voicing my opinion. Frankly this looks nothing like what Jesus did with the people of God. Yes He died for the church, but He didn't pull any punches either. I forgot this. This was my part in my divorce. I didn't love well.
I didn't love well because I thought that not stirring the pot would mean that my ex-wife would be happy all the time. I soon found out that all that does is breed resentment in me. And it didn't even stop her from being unhappy. It was definitively the worst course of action. I know that now.
God Blessed the Broken Road
Enough with the sad part of this story. Now we get to the faithfulness of God. Even though I thought that I would be single for the rest of my life, God had a different plan. What neither I nor my beautiful bride-to-be knew was that God was weaving us into a beautiful story of redemption.
Years before all my broken hearts -- years before all her broken hearts -- years before my divorce God set in motion a beautiful love story. That coolest girl on the bus, that's my bride-to-be. I would not be the man I am today were it not for the broken hearts. My bride-to-be would not be the beautiful woman of God she is were it not for her broken hearts. God has certainly used the evil of men for His glory.
God makes it a habit to redeem you... Jesus did not come to condemn the world. He came to save it.
During our wedding ceremony my bride-to-be and I will be doing a foot washing. I wish I could say this was my idea, but she gets the credit for this. We felt that the best way we could show that marriage is about humility and service was to follow the example of Christ. During that time one of our friends will be singing God Blessed the Broken Road. This song encapsulates who we are. We both have scars. We both bring baggage. But we both know that God has redeemed us and brought us together for His glory.
God is in the Business of Redemption
Brothers and sisters, I didn't write this because it was a good story. I wrote it because I want you to know that God makes it a habit to redeem you. God's is in the business of redemption. Jesus did not come to condemn the world. He came to save it.
If you think that you aren't redeemable think again. You are. Murdered someone? God can use you. Gotten your best friend's wife pregnant? God can use you. Passed your wife off as your sister? God can use you. Persecuted the church your whole life? God can use you. The story of the bible is a story of redemption. That is what makes our God so amazing. His hand is mighty to save.
Brothers and sisters, I know some of you are going through hard times. I know some of you think that nothing will ever change. I know that some of you wish that your life could be different. Take it from me. Some day you will look back on your scars and see how God used them for good. There is a day coming without tears, or pain, or death. That is a beautiful day. And that is the hope of Christianity.
May you come to see yourself as redeemable. May you come to realize that God loves you more than you know. And may God turn all the evil in your life to good for His glory.
Amen!
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