A few weeks later I followed up with 5 Things I Learned About Marriage During My Divorce. This has become my most visited blog. I mention it because I am going to reference it many times in what follows. If you haven't read that I suggest you do so now and then come back. Don't worry I'll still be here.
What follows is a list that I cam up with while preparing to preach on Genesis 2:24. It will include concepts that I have said before. But these are things that I know need to be said. So without further adieu:
When you do a Google image search about biblical marriage you come up with all kinds of things about one man and one woman and how it is a perfect union. I know. I just did it. But here is the thing about marriage. No marriage is perfect. Sure there are marriages that work better than others and I am not saying that everyone needs to be miserable, but I think the church has really been selling a lie.
Let's just look at couple of the marriages in the Old Testament. People often point to Adam and Eve as an example of biblical marriage. Lets put aside the fact that many would have just thought they were living together since there is no indication of a ceremony. These two don't really seem to have the perfect marriage of the photos. At the first sign of trouble Adam blames Eve for tempting him (and God for making her) and Eve blames the snake infestation. This is not a great start to marriage. Kind of makes squabbles over toilet paper seem small huh?
What about Abraham? He is the father of an entire nation, he must be a better example. Not really. God tells him that he will father a nation. Cool! But it takes a while. (For a discussion on this story, faith, and waiting see this blog.) So Sarah decides that to make her husband happy he will give her maid servant to him. (Again not sure how the church would view this today, let alone social activists against sex slavery.) Well this wasn't Gods plan and it causes all kinds of trouble. Not least a family feud that is still going on today. You can read this whole story in Genesis 16 and the surrounding chapters.
Then of course we have Jacob who got tricked into marring the older sister of the woman he loved. And had children with both their hand maids. Then there was Miriam and Aaron who didn't like Moses' wife because she was black. So in just the first two books we have marriages involving deceit, lack of accountability, family feuds, hatred, jealousy, and even racism. Sounds perfect to me!
So given all this evidence why is it that the church holds marriage so highly? Well because God does. But, the difference is that God addresses all of these issues in one way or another. Many churches do not. Rather they elevate it far above what it should be. Which leads to my next point.
2. Biblical marriage is not the ultimate relationship
I have already touched on this issue in great detail here. But the basic point is that marriage is simply one way that the church shows the love of God. Marriage is meant to be a reflection of the true ultimate relationship; the one between Christ and the church. Thus the church needs to stop making more out of it than it really is. The problem however is that many in the church have the wrong view of marriage. They look at it selfishly. So . . .
3. Biblical marriage is not about you
If the marriage is a reflection of the true ultimate relationship then we need to look at what that relationship looks like. So then we turn to Christ and see what He did. Paul tells us in Philippians 2 that Jesus died for the church. This is our example as Christians -- for ALL our relationships. But especially for our marriage relationships.
See the whole point is to put others first. I am going to say it again because I think I need to. Marriage is not about you. It's just not. At the most basic level it is about your spouse. You are to love and care for them.
Paul tells us in Ephesians 5 that husbands are to love their wives and wives are to respect their husbands. He says this not because the reverse is not true, (any man who does not respect his wife doesn't deserve her respect) but because this tends to be how the other feels love. I can say that the quickest way for my fiancée to make me feel unloved is to loose respect for my decisions. Likewise a husband who does not sacrifice for his wife does not love her. In both cases it requires that we set aside our own fears, anxieties, mistrusts, and hesitations.
Now I know you are out there thinking "Yeah Phil, its easy to say that, but can you really live that?" Well that leads to my next point.
4. Biblical marriage is not one man and one woman
OK so I want to thank those of you that are still here and have not immediately gone to the comment section to spew vitriol. I want to start by saying that this was almost the title of this blog. It hurts to know that the church has reduced biblical marriage to this one issue. As if every heterosexual couple is the emblem of biblical marriage. I already showed how couples IN THE BIBLE did not fit the mold. So what do I mean by this?
Well first, I want to say that I am not implying that homosexual couples are biblical. They are not. (Now is the point some of you will leave to spew vitriol. That's OK i can take it.) But this is not the main point of Genesis 2:24. It's really not even a minor point. It's really just implied.
In church circles we have this phrase "leave and cleave." It comes from this passage. And its meaning is basically everything that I have just said. Marriage takes sacrifice (leaving family) and it takes humility (cleaving or becoming one). Marriage is so much more than one man and one woman. In fact two becoming one flesh is so much more than just sex. Yes that is part of it, but again to leave it at that would be wrong.
OK but you still haven't said why it's not one man and one woman. At this point I thought it would be obvious. Biblical marriage MUST include God. Without God marriage can never be any of the things that that I have already said. Sheer force of will can not make you humble enough to sacrifice yourself every day.
If God is not in your marriage it is doomed. This is why I have talked about this so much. When we as the church reduce it to something so basic as one man and one woman we allow for so many other issues. It allows us to sanction relationships of abuse. How many women have stayed with men they should not have because they felt the bible told them they had to? How many men have used the bible to justify subjugating their wives?
Reduction to one man and one woman allows us to sanction relationships that have really been dead for years. I will say this once. Just because you aren't divorced doesn't mean your marriage is biblical. If you don't know that person you wake up next to every morning -- if you you even wake up next to that person every morning -- then you don't have a biblical marriage. At some point your marriage has become cohabitation. You are simply two people living in the same house. You are meant to be one flesh. (And again, this isn't just sex.)
Brothers and sisters please don't reduce marriage to one man and one woman. The church is meant to be the example of Jesus to the world. We are meant to show the kingdom of heaven now. Yet when we have couples who hate each other or who never talk or who abuse each other, then we really aren't doing that. It is no wonder the world looks at us as bigots.
Brothers and sisters I am begging you to bring God into your marriages. Into all your relationships. Let Christ be the example that the world sees. Let Christ be who you lean on. Let Christ be your example.
May you draw near to God. May your marriage begin to reflect the self sacrifice of Christ. May you come to a deeper understanding of what humility means. And may you realize that biblical marriage is so much more than one man and one woman.
Amen!
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