5 Things I Learned About Marriage During My Divorce

So recently some friends in my church got married. As part of the reception the church was asked to write down some words of wisdom and give them to the couple. As I began to think about what I could share I realized that the things I wanted to tell them were things that I wished I had known before I got married.

Why We Need Community

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It occurs to me that today is September 11. Though not directly related I realize that when I talk about the need for community one of the best examples was the numerous men and women who devoted time, energy and their lives in the wake of this horrific tragedy.

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Lately God has been talking to me about community. Why he designed us to live in community. What it means to live that out. Why we think we can be Christian by ourselves. How the community of God has blessed me.

I was pondering these things this morning as I sat down and watched a sermon by Alistair Begg. I noticed that the title was Membership Matters. Funny how God often orchestrates things just when we need them. If you want to have a look at the sermon you can view it here. One of his main points was that we often think we don't need the community. This started me to thinking about reasons why that might be.

Before I go any further a little sociology lesson.

When I was in undergrad I took a sociology class. One of the things we talked about in that class was the difference between the individual in Eastern and Western culture. Essentially in Western culture we talk about how everyone is unique and you are your own person. We have individual liberties, individual opinions, and individual beliefs. Eastern culture is much different. For many of those cultures the group is the most important unit. Your beliefs and opinions are not just yours.

My professor gave us this example from sociological studies. She mentioned that a class of kindergartners was used. This was a class with many first generation Americans whose parents came from Asian countries. It was the ideal class for such an experiment. Students were given a coloring page and told to choose whatever color they wanted to color with. Those students whose parents had grown up in the United States quickly took their favorite color and started. The students who parents were from Asia were unsure what to do. They could not decide what color to use.

Next the researchers told the students that their parents wanted them to color with a red crayon. At this the students who parents were from Asia perked up and began to gladly color with red. Some of the other students who had gladly colored with the color of their choice before got upset. Why should they have to color the way their parents wanted? It was their coloring page. They should be able to do what they wanted.

This is the difference between Eastern and Western culture. Here we are told to be your own person that what you do is important and no one can tell you what to believe. We live in a culture that tells us that we don't need anyone else. That we can do anything we put our minds to. This may be true of many things. 

But this is not God's design for the church.

In scripture we find the church described as a flock, a house, a body, and even a family. None of these things can operate on their own. They are all made up of various parts. As Begg puts it:

"One Sheep doesn't make a flock. One brick doesn't make a house. One limb doesn't make a body. One individual doesn't make a family."

The point is that God never designed us to be alone we were always meant to live in a community. But the question becomes why? What is it about humanity that makes us need and desire community?

The fact of the matter is that people cannot live the life God has called us to alone. We are broken people. We stumble we fall. In seclusion we can never become what we are called to be. We need other people to encourage us, to walk with us, to grieve with us, and yes even to rebuke us when we are wrong. This is the point of community. This is what the church is supposed to be to itself. A place for people to be people and place for people to grow, to rejoice, and to grieve. (If you don't believe me check out what Paul says in 1 Corinthians 12)

So why is this important to me?

As I said in this post. I am divorced. That process was not an easy or clean one for me. It was painful and it was messy. Yet I was fortunate enough to be a member at a church that came along side me and grieved with me. They sat in ashes and wept with me. They prayed for and with me. The community of God was my faith when I had none. This community enabled me to grieve, to heal, to lean into God and to learn. 

That is what the church is for. But more than that the church is a place for us to be held accountable. Take a look at the things Paul says in his letters. They are not always encouragement. Paul understands that sometimes we need someone to come alongside us and rebuke us. We are not perfect. We need people to call us on what we do.

But the best part about the church is its diversity.

Take a look at Revelation. We see that all nations will come before God and proclaim His goodness and glory. Even Solomon understood that the temple was not just for Israel but for all nations. The blessing given to Abraham was so that he could be a blessing to the whole world. 

Now I'm getting a little ahead of myself. That really should be saved for tomorrow. But the point is that the church is to be a place where people come and learn from each other. Where we see the wonders of God's creation in all its diversity. The church is diverse because God's creation is diverse. 

This is my hope for us.

I hope that we can realize the need for the local church. That it can be a place where we come and are renewed. Where we are encouraged. Where we are blessed. Where we help each other. A place where we are rebuked in love. A place where we learn from each other. The church needs to be a community of God. It is not just a social club. It is a new way of life. It is something so different from the rest of the world that people look and wonder what it is all about. The church needs to be the community of God. In the words of Paul:

"May the God who gives endurance and encouragement give you the same attitude of mind toward each other that Christ Jesus had, so that with one mind and one voice you may glorify the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ."

Amen! 

Lessons from a Lion and a Wizard

Recently a friend of mine has been sharing with me sermons by a guy named Matt Chandler over at the Village Church. He and the church there have some really great sermons. You should check them out sometime. Seriously. Stop reading right now and go look at those. I'll wait

Done?

Well anyway Matt Chandler has been talking about the balance we need to have when it comes to God. How we need to understand that He is King and He is Savior. This reminded me of some of my favorite movies and how this message is shown in them.

Anyone that knows me will know I love movies. Its funny to me how often I look to scenes or themes to inform my life and my faith. I think most people are passive when they watch movies. They are there for entertainment and nothing more. I look to them to understand the message.

See I don't think that movies are passive.

I think that every movie is a story. It tells us something about ourselves, our society, or our God. It doesn't matter what the movie is, it can speak to us in ways that simple conversations can't. I am reminded of a professor I had at North Park Seminary. He was always talking about the parables of Jesus. (See he wrote a book on them. You should get it here.)

Professor Klyne Snodgrass was always talking about how Jesus told stories because it was the best way to break through the barriers that people have. When you tell someone a story they are not guarded. They listen. Often when Jesus was asked a question His response was "let me tell you a story." He did this because He knew that stories will always bypass our heads and speak directly to our hearts.

So what about my favorite movies?

Every Christmas my brother and I have a Lord of the Rings marathon. We get up early and we watch all three extended cut Blu-Rays (cause Blu-Rays are prettier you know) back to back. It is 12 hours of joy. I know some of you might think that sounds like torture. I understand. For me it is time with my brother and time with my God. See these are not just movies to me. They are ways to let my creator speak to me.

One of my favorite scenes in the Fellowship of the Ring comes after Bilbo's birthday party. He has used the ring to become invisible and is very proud of himself. Well Gandalf knows what's up and meets Bilbo back at his house. Now I could tell you more, but I'd rather let you watch.

Did you notice what happened in the middle there? Bilbo was consumed by the Ring. He wanted it for his own. Gandalf was trying to save Bilbo from temptation but he wouldn't listen. It was not until Gandlaf stood and displayed his power that Bilbo listened. And then, oh how beautiful, Gandlaf showed love to him. The King and the Savior.

"Bilbo Baggins! Do not take me for some conjurer of cheap tricks! I am not trying to rob you! I'm trying to help you."

How often is God this way with us? How often do we think that God is just trying to keep us from having fun or from getting what we want? We think we know what is best. We think that we should keep our sin and our filthiness because it's ours. We rail and we kick and we scream and we complain to God that He is taking it away from us. We treat God like a robber come into our home to steel all that we have spent our time and our money on. And then

The Lion roars.

See this same friend of mine likes to think about God the way C.S. Lewis describes. She is always talking about how Jesus is a lion. The lion of Judah. Matt Chandler talked about this. He talked about how great it would be to wrestle a lion. But the thing to remember about lions is that they are powerful. They keep them behind fences at the zoo for a reason. My friend's favorite quote about Aslan goes like this. 

"'Course he isn't safe. But he is good."

God is not a robber. We think that what we have is ours. But it's not. We think that we want our sin and our filthiness. But we don't. God knows better than we do. God loves us and cares for us. And lest we forget. He is a God. He is King.

This is the God we serve. We serve the God that spoke -- let me say that again -- He spoke the world into existence. With a word He quieted the storm. Our God is so powerful that not even death could defeat Him. He is the God that forced idols to bow to His Arc. He is the God at the sight of whom the mountains run. 

And Blessed be His name.

He is the God who chose to come down and be like us. He is the God who cares for your every need. He is the God who loves so deeply that He cannot and will not let you continue in pain. He is the God that walks with you. And talks to you. He is the God that died for you. This is our God. 

He is King. He is Savior.

Do We Actually Affirm the Sanctity of Marriage?

So I can’t keep silent anymore. 

I have tried for the last couple of weeks to not mention anything about this issue. I know it is a hot topic issue and regardless of what side I am on people are going to sling vitriol. But the other day I saw this:

Now I don’t know if all of that is true, but it doesn’t matter. The person making it has a point and I will get to that in a little bit.

There are those who say that what happened to Kim Davis was religious persecution. There are those who say that Kim Davis broke the law. Today she was let out of prison. For the former this is a victory; for the latter a defeat. To me the whole ordeal just signals a disconnect in our society.

Let’s start with some information.

First Davis’ signature was on all licensees issued. Weather she did it or not, her signature was to be affixed to the license. (Yes I know the statute says that deputies can perform the duties, but that doesn’t mean that her signature wouldn’t be stamped on the license.)  This is perhaps the reason that Davis was not allowing her deputies to issue them instead of her. Under normal circumstances one might just suggest that if she has a problem that she just abstain from those and let someone else do it. In this case however it would seem that any license that went out would be done with her signature. In her mind she would be giving the stamp of approval to whatever license went out from her office.

One might make the argument that since this is the case Davis’ should just quit her job. A valid argument if it weren’t for two things. First, there are numerous other cases where companies have had to make accommodations because of religious beliefs. For instancethe Muslim flight attendant who refused to serve alcohol and is now suing. Second, and perhaps more importantly, the laws (or the enforcement thereof) have changed since Davis’ took her position. When Davis was elected it was still illegal for same-sex couples to be married. However deplorable (or not) you may think that, it was the case. There was nothing about her job when she took office that she had a problem with. It is only in the last 6 months that things have changed. Sothis would not be the same as a Hindu refusing to serve burgers as some havesuggested. Such a person would have known about the limits of the job before applying.

Davis’ is for all intents and purposes disobeying the law. Yes I know that the Supreme Court does not make laws. However, they are charged with interpreting them. I will steel an analogy from local talk radio host Michael Brown. Let’s say there is a law stating that all telephone poles have to be purple. Someone wants theirs to be red. They get all the way to the Supreme Court and the Court rules that the poles now must be red and purple. Until congress passes a new law that says telephone poles can be whatever color a city wants, the law of the land is red and purple. That is how the Supreme Court works. For better or worse this is the law of the land.

But all of this has not been my true point. 

Let’s get back to that meme. You know the one about the sanctity of marriage. Every time the gay marriage debate has come up I always find myself asking the same question. How can we as Christians expect others, who do not hold our beliefs, to affirm the sanctity of marriage when we do not?

Let’s look at Davis for a second. She has been married three times before. Now I am told that those were before she was a Christian. This might have more meaning if it weren’t for the sad fact that it would not be surprising that a Christian had been married four times. See if we as Christians want to claim to have the moral high ground then we should actually have it. The reason a meme like this exists is because of the hypocrisy of Christians played out time and time again. We only seem to look at the things we want to and ignore our own sins. Weare the Pharisee of Luke 18. When will we realize to truly witness we need to have compassion and empathy?

"I tell you, this man went to his house justified rather than the other; for everyone who exalts himself will be humbled, but he who humbles himself will be exalted.”

Don’t misunderstand me. I am not saying that we don’t need to be more vigilant about divorce. We live in a society where divorce is rampant and seemingly devoted Christians remarry at the drop of a hat because they don’t feel that they love someone anymore. This should never be the case. Marriage is something sacred and something to be treasured. It is a sacred covenant before God.

Why do I feel this way about marriage and divorce? Because I have experienced it. Both marriage and divorce. I was legally married for 4 years. In actuality it was about two and a half. Without getting into much detail it ended because she decided that she wanted out. I learned a great many things from that, but what is important today is that divorce destroys relationships. I was fortunate to be in a church that understood my struggle and came along side me in my time of need. 

My ex-wife had friends who told her to be happy. I had a church that grieved with me.

Yet if we truly want to hold up the sanctity of marriage we cannot stop at simply encouraging people to stay married. We must seek to uphold marriage by not turning a blind eye to those that have extra-marital sex. How many of you have been in churches where you knew someone was living with their significant other and you said nothing? How can we expect society to not look at that and see us as hypocrites? We allow this to happen and we wonder why so many Pastors were found on Ashley Madison.

If I am honest I will say that I think this particular issue stems from another problem. The churches complete lack of a stomach to talk about sex. 

We harm our young men and young women by keeping silent. 

Our young men struggle in silence every day because they feel they have no one to talk to. I am reminded of this blog begging for men to stop. Yet I wonder how many of them would if they only felt like they could get support and not judgement from their church.

Our young women are no better off. I have known to many women who have a skewed view of sex because of the purity movement. We tell them for 18+ years to say no and then expect them to change on a dime on their wedding night. That type of understanding is untenable. I thank this woman for coming out and speaking up about the problems.

These may seem like divergent issues, but they are not. These are all symptoms of a larger problem in the church. We choose to talk about problems outside ourselves rather than turn inward and see the sickness there. We are so focused on what is going on outside of our churches that we neglect to look at the rot that is killing us from inside. We have believed the lie that to witness to the world we must be perfect. The truth is the world is not looking for perfect people. They are looking for real people. We think that we must not be blemished by the messiness of the world. That could not be further from the truth. We do not serve a God who stood outside and judged. We serve a God who became like us. A God who stepped into the messiness of the world to save it. We serve a God that loved us so much that he died the humiliating death on a tree. And we serve a God that rose from the dead so that we would never have to die. (See this passage in Philippians if you doubt me.) That is the God that we serve. That is how we are to live.

"Being found in appearance as a man, He humbled Himself by becoming obedient to the point of death, even death on a cross."

See the whole point of Jesus coming was not so that we could make decrees on high and not look at ourselves. Jesus came because we can’t do it on our own. When we as a church start actually living the kingdom of God. When we start loving others. When we start acknowledging our own sin and confessing to others. When we start showing compassion instead of condemning others. When we realize that as Christians we WILLbe persecuted. When we stop thinking that we are somehow better than others around us. Then we will start to see people come to us.